Sometimes the best revenge is to live well, respect our healing and
enjoy our triumphs. My story is meant to be one of hope and encouragement,
but it may also serve as a warning.
Deafness contributed to my isolation and vulnerability as a child, even though I
was only mildly deaf back then. Since I was often alone, I was an easy target for abuse.
As my deafness increased, it became more
and more difficult to get help. I am a survivor of multiple abuses by
multiple perpetrators, compounded by psychiatric abuse. I have been
on this healing journey for over 3 decades and have come a long way
though I still deal with the after effects.
Anger and Shame
I've experienced so much anger because when I was 17, after about 10
unwanted sexual "encounters", including molestation when I was 4, 12, 13
and 14 by strangers, inappropriate touching at age 8 by my uncle who also terrorized me
with his rages every time I visited, sexual shaming by a babysitter when I was 10, sexual assault
when I was 11 by a gang of older neighborhood boys and a classmate, rape
when I was 15 by my good friend's housemate...
At home I was neglected, emotionally abused and occasionally
physically abused. My parents were preoccupied by
serious problems of their own and could not protect me or help me cope, nor did
they have any knowledge or understanding of my increasing deafness. They argued
constantly. Both had painful childhoods with alcoholic parents. My father's mother
killed herself when I was 3.
had a tendency to fly into rages. I often didn't respond to her because I couldn't hear her,
and that made her even more enraged. My friends couldn't understand, but even
if there had been people around to listen, shame and deafness kept me in a state of silent torment (there
were also a few years of not so silent torment).
Add to this intense isolation and a few more traumatic experiences like fire and
divorce and living with a stressed out single parent.
I stopped being able to sleep, flew into
rages, destroyed property, dissociated and had weekly visits with a
therapist who I never really trusted enough to confide in, nor did I know
how to talk about what happened. I went into therapy voluntarily when I
was 13, but it didn't help much. Then came the secondary wounding...
Substance Abuse and Mental Hospitals
At age 17 after a 2 year period of self-medicating with alcohol, I was committed to a
hospital and labeled psychotic. Control of my life was taken out of my
hands and put into the hands of psychiatrists. There was much forced
treatment and forced drugging that so much resembled being raped. It
seemed to have nothing to do with getting healthy again. I was branded
with a lot of colorful psychiatric labels followed by six years of some
forced and some voluntary treatment and more therapists who I didn't trust.
This happened more than 20 years ago when there were very few
choices for sexual abuse survivors regarding where to turn for help. It is
incredibly heartening that there are more choices now.
By the time I was 20, I had been sexually abused 13 times and had been
abusing drugs for 5 years. There were three rapes; one was in a mental
health setting, one was in a friend's home and one was in my own
apartment. By age 22, I had been hospitalized about 20 times for suicide
attempts, self-mutilation, paralyzing anxiety and substance abuse
problems. Most of the mental health professionals that were assigned to my
case, seemed ignorant about my history of childhood trauma and sexual
abuse. First they didn't believe me, then I was blamed for being sexually
immature. Training in issues of child sexual abuse is very important and should be a
requirement for mental health degrees and licensing in all states,
In mental hospitals, I was forced to take medications that were harmful
to me, forced to tone down my personality, to modify my behavior, my self
expression, I was stigmatized into thinking of myself as a mental patient;
fragile and dangerous, subhuman, not worthy of simple compassion and
understanding. I learned to view myself as childlike, weak and needy,
incompetent, in need of supervision and direction, irresponsible and
They tried to forcefully drug away my problems rather than help me face
them. The side effects were intolerable. Medications may temporarily help
a handful of survivors feel better in spite of the abuse, but they don't
solve the problem and can complicate our lives with debilitating side
effects. (Just my opinion.)
I was treated with condescension and disbelief and was discouraged from expressing my
emotions. I was encouraged to ignore my past and my pain and function
"normally" even when I was overwhelmed and exhausted by the effects of my
abuse. I was encouraged to push through situations that felt completely
unsafe. My spirit felt broken.
Finding help took many years of searching and a lot of disappointment.
Eventually, I got help from several political and self-help organizations,
a few counselors in halfway houses, two psychiatrists who didn't
understand my issues but believed in me, and several non-medical model,
alternative style therapists/social workers experienced in child abuse issues, who
believed in me, encouraged my determination to heal, and helped me develop
some survival skills.
Large doses of human compassion have been primary to
my healing. My art and my political work have also been a vital part of my
healing. I am now an artist. I also ran my own small animal care business for 15 years, which
I loved, though it didn't support me. I taught a few art classes on a volunteer basis, and I
work when I am able. Otherwise I have been living on a small amount of
disability compensation which has also been a great help.
Then and Now
Over 20 years have passed since my last period of substance abuse, and it
has been more than 25 years since I was in a mental hospital.
Over 20 years have passed since the last time I was in residential
treatment. And for 6 years I managed to get along without a therapist. I
have recently gone back into therapy because support outside of therapy is
so hard to find. Now, finally, I see someone who specializes in deaf/hoh issues, and I cannot stress
enough what a difference this makes! The communication is so much easier with a therapist
who signs and understands my issues.
Sexual and emotional abuse has had a profound effect
on my life. I am so happy to find that there are now more than a few
helping professionals who know something about it. Maybe now, sexual abuse
survivors can get help sooner than I did and recover more quickly.
I am not by any means free of pain. The abuse took a tremendous toll
on my life. I am still healing and can never
forget what happened to me, but hopefully at some point I will be able to
release more pain. I am still bothered by memories of the abuse that I
endured as a child and the secondary wounding that I was subjected to as a
patient trying to find help. I go back and forth, living in the present,
dissociating and reexperiencing the past. I live with flashbacks, nightmares,
panic attacks and urges to harm myself. I eat too much junk. My sexual
feelings make me feel suicidal. (Sex equals death.) I often feel detached
or numb or swallowed by tears and outrage. Everyday I have to work at not
freezing up, withdrawing completely or getting hopelessly consumed by my
past. Drug abuse left me with Hepatitis C, and I was recently diagnosed with Lupus.
On the brighter side, I am no longer the victim I used to be. I am
older, stronger, more skilled at living and happy to be alive (most of the
time). I am more than just a product of my abuse. I can work and learn and
laugh at life's absurdities. I can fantasize about how I'd like it to be.
I can be an artist, an activist and a healer. I can continue to work on
healing myself while experiencing the excitement of every new revelation
in my life. I completed 3 women's self-defense classes and have done many things
I am proud of in my life. I
feel lucky that my life was not wasted, and lucky that I can look forward
to better years to come. Having lived through such threatening experiences
is a deep triumph of the wild spirit inside of me.
Sometimes the best revenge is to live well, respect our healing and
enjoy our triumphs however small they may seem. Together we do not have to
be powerless. The healing process is often slow and painful, but hopeful
and happens in many stages. We can learn to take back our power and
discover our choices. We can learn as adults the most basic things that we
didn't have an opportunity to learn as children: how to nurture and
protect ourselves, how to find nurturance, protection and validation in
the community and how to form safe, meaningful bonds with the people we
care about. We can uncover healthy ways to comfort ourselves. We can learn
who to trust, work on developing a better life than the ones we grew up
with, get more out of life than has ever seemed possible, and change areas
of our lives where we thought we were powerless.